How do you get what you don't want?

We're brought up wrong. We're told from as early as we can remember that we should learn to please others, to obey, to conform, to fit in, to not make waves, to ..., well, you get the picture. This is not to say - and I'm back to that either-or thing - that we should tick others off, disobey, be non-conformist out of principle, make waves. No, it's not either one way or the other. The Golden Mean lies somewhere in-between.

Life's analog, not digital. There are shades of pleasing and displeasing ... there are decisions to be made like obeying authority or one's conscience ... if the range of acceptability is wide, conformity loses some of its edge ... there may be more similarities than we think between wave-making and peace-making. No, life plays out in the gray areas, not at the edges.

That's what makes all so difficult, isn't it? How do you know? The answer is, you don't (and, by the way, nobody else does either, regardless of what they're telling you). That's why simply acknowledging what you don't want, avoiding what doesn't contribute to our feelings of happiness, success and the rest, is so effective. But you can't do that if all you can say is "yes".

Our upbringing teaches us, more than anything else, to simply say "yes". Yes to what others want, yes to authority, yes to so-called standards, yes to not making life too difficult for anyone else. All of this, however, does eventually lead us to making more trouble for ourselves. Balance is what we are seeking, though. The Golden Mean is all about balance, and there is only one way to head in that direction: we have to learn to say "no".

I have nothing against pleasing others, if they deserve it, but not on principle. I have no problem obeying if the order makes sense, is ethical, and isn't harmful. I have no issue with "standards" that aren't absolutes, that allow for individual variation and diversity. There are some groups and clubs to which I don't want to belong. There are times when some folks simply need a wake-up call. All of this is only possible, however, if we can simply say "no" when we have to.

We don't like hearing "no", I know. But it's every bit as important, if not more so, than even saying it. It takes courage to say it, and you need integrity to hear it. Neither are in overabundant supply these days, but they could be, if we learned to say "no" when it counts.